When I read this, I almost felt as though I had written it myself, or if it had been transcribed from my own thoughts. I believe almost every person suffering from an invisible, unmanageable, chronic illness has felt this way at some point. It shouldn’t have to be this way and, in a both comforting and tragic reality, we are not alone.

Indisposed and Undiagnosed

I’m having a rough month.
It could go well into two or three months.
I have tried everything, everything.
I feel like I’m back to square one with the symptoms that haunted me at the beginning.
I visited my Gastroenterologist, after his month vacation, and told him that I’ve lost the five kilograms I put on, am in excruciating stomach pain, have constant nausea and am not responding to any medication.

I am tired.
I am tired of going backwards.
I am tired of telling him that I’ve gone backwards.
I am tired of explaining to people why I am “still sick”.
I am tired of being the guinea pig for a range of medications that are not making me feel any better.
I am tired of being told that I have this stomach disease, but am unable to manage it.
I am tired of my body being so fragile.

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I made a decision the week before last.  In the midst of an Endometriosis flare-up, I decided that I was going to push through and force myself to go to work and complete my normal daily activities, NO MATTER WHAT.  Well, as long as it was physically possible anyway.  I have had many flare-ups that render me completely, 100% incapacitated and during those I would not have been able to simply “will my way through it.”  This one however, I could and so I did.

Did I succeed?  Yes.

Did I feel good about myself?  Yes.

Was it a good idea?  In hindsight, no.

Do I regret it?  Yes and no.

Will I do it again?  I’m not sure yet. Continue reading

Well, I made it through the first day of another three day work week. Sadly the extra two days off this week are not for a holiday or fun time off but for a rather risky medical procedure.

I will likely be missing my division’s Christmas party at work. Since I can barely eat without severe pain that is probably for the best anyway, although I will miss the White Elephant gift exchange. 😉

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