GUILT

This guilt is all consuming

How much can I destroy?

Like a tornado

Everyone I love in my destructive path

Deep scars within the wreckage

Never fading, never healing

A pain of immeasurable strength

My body’s physical torture is no match for this beast

I can’t escape it

I am suffocating

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Wow! I REALLY needed to read this right now. I have been struggling with an all-consuming and suffocating guilt which literally takes my breath away at times. Most of my guilt and regret originate from mistakes that I made years or even decades ago but somehow I have always managed to hurt those I love and cherish the most and no matter how much time passes, the scars in my heart remain. Still even more of those feelings continue to rise out of situations over which I have no control.

My anxiety and depression are at an all-time high and the panic attacks that I managed to control for years have returned with a vengeance.

If I could drill the words of this quote into my heart and mind, perhaps I could over-power and move past the pain which haunts my heart and tortures my mind.

Positive Outlooks Blog

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love. — Jennifer Edwards

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Guilt & Small Victories

I have felt it on the horizon for days now and, without invitation, it’s here.  The excruciating Endometriosis flare-up that is becoming more and more frequent and is the one thing that I can count on to stop me in my tracks and bring my life to a stand-still for a 3 to 5 day stretch every 4 to 6 weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, the Endo monster is very much present on a daily basis, in one way or another.  However, flare-ups like this are a very different level of agony.

I am celebrating a small victory in the timing of this one, because it just so happened to start yesterday, which was Friday, at about 3:00 pm so it didn’t cause me to miss any work (yet).

At this point, I have made it 5 consecutive weeks without calling in sick.  That may not seem like much to a normal, healthy person but to those who work each day with severe chronic pain, debilitating fatigue, and a plethora of other unpleasant symptoms, making it through 5 weeks of work actually IS an accomplishment. 

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