Those suffering from depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are #InvisiblePainWarriors too.
Very few realized how true these words were to Robin Williams when he spoke them.
This guilt is all consuming
How much can I destroy?
Like a tornado
Everyone I love in my destructive path
Deep scars within the wreckage
Never fading, never healing
A pain of immeasurable strength
My body’s physical torture is no match for this beast
I can’t escape it
I am suffocating
I’m really struggling with a lack of something, anything to look forward to right now. In the past, I almost always had something to motivate me; some sort of reward for my hard work and perseverance. I miss planning vacations, travel (my favorite thing in the world), weekend get-a-ways, spur of the moment road trips, camping, and canoe trips. I miss living. When I think about the past and remember doing all of those things that I enjoyed so much, that pesky lump in my throat starts to creep back in, my depression is triggered, and I often find myself fighting back tears.
My thoughts can get pretty dark when I think about the future. When I think about the past, I can’t help but wonder what happened. I mean, I know what happened, but I don’t understand WHY. Maybe I’m still going through a grieving process for the life that I lost (my former self). At this point, the only thing I can think of to look forward to is an end to the pain. Will there be anything left afterwards? Are there other chronic pain sufferers out there who fight this internal battle? How do you handle it? Have you discovered coping mechanisms to make it easier?
I know the title of this blog post may seem strange. There is really no connection between the two words except that they are both present and on my mind.
Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. Billy and I have been together for 11 years now and our love is strong. We have been through challenges that would be hard to imagine and many that no one knows about except for us. Things that would test and destroy the most solid relationship but somehow our love has always pulled us through and prevailed. I am so thankful for my husband and the unconditional love that we share.
This should be a joyous day but I cried all the way to work. Yesterday and the day before, I cried all the way home. Last night I sat and cried on the couch but I don’t think Billy noticed. He has his own overwhelming struggles to deal with and I tried not to make it obvious. Throughout my years of participation in online chronic pain, Trigeminal Neuralgia/Facial Pain, Endometriosis, and PCOS support groups, I have read and been acclimated to the very real link between chronic pain and depression. I knew it could happen and the likelihood that it would is very high. I have watched my husband struggle with it for years, even before the wreck and his botched surgery, but so much more afterwards. It has been ripping him apart for what seems like forever and it appears to finally be taking hold of me. Continue reading
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