This guilt is all consuming

How much can I destroy?

Like a tornado

Everyone I love in my destructive path

Deep scars within the wreckage

Never fading, never healing

A pain of immeasurable strength

My body’s physical torture is no match for this beast

I can’t escape it

I am suffocating

Fix You by Coldplay

I decided to post this week’s Music Monday song a day early, as I know that tomorrow will be another crazy busy work day and I don’t know if I will have the time or energy to post anything when I get home.  Plus, this song really touched my heart today.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever been more of a mess than I am right now.  The fear and uncertainty that my husband and I are facing in our lives is overwhelming.  The endless physical, psychological, and emotional pain is suffocating and the weight of it all is almost too much to bear.  I’m pushing back with all of my strength just to keep my head above water but it seems like an infinite battle.  How I’ve managed not to drown already is beyond me.

However, no matter what life throws our way, I know that love, our love and our family’s love, is the light that will guide us home, as it always has, and there is no doubt that we have fixed each other, over and over again and we always will.  ❤

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I ran across this great article by Julie Zeilinger on Identities.Mic.

Some disabilities aren’t exactly visible. They don’t require a wheelchair, a hearing aid or any other piece of equipment that helps us know to give up our seats on the subway or not shake our heads when we see a seemingly able-bodied person park their car in a handicap parking spot.

In fact, about 20% of people in the U.S. live with a disability, according to the 2010 U.S. census, but millions of those individuals live with what’s commonly referred to as “invisible” or “non-appearing” disabilities like depression, epilepsy, chronic pain disorder or learning disabilities.

These disabilities may vary in terms of severity or symptoms, but the people who live with them have one thing in common: They often encounter others who don’t know these disabilities exist at all, and even more resistance to understand what it’s like to live with these issues.

Here are six things people who live with invisible disabilities want people to know about what their experience is like — and, most importantly, how others can best understand and support them.

Being in pain is quite uncomfortable for most people. Even minor pain, such as a stubbed toe or a paper cut, is unpleasant but that pain fades relatively quickly. Imagine being in pain that never fades, or that fades only to come back a few hours later. What would that do to a person? This is what people with chronic pain have to deal with every day. Continue reading

Oh Endometriosis, how do I hate thee?  There are countless ways.  Far too many to list.


At the moment, I hate that I am still awake (painsomnia) after midnight on a Sunday night / Monday morning, when I have to be up in only a few short hours to start getting ready for another busy work week.
I worked 50 hours last week, and close to the same the week before, and my body is paying the price. I guess I can’t blame you for that, as I already know my limitations.

My hubby and I are going through some intense stress right now due to situations involving lawyers, the broken disability system, and doctors, which probably isn’t helping my pain levels.
I do thank you for staying away (for the most part) during the past few weeks, when I needed the ability to work and focus, especially since my evil ATN decided to morph into what feels like a migraine, in addition to the typical 24/7 pain that it has so generously provided for the past few years.

You also waited until after my Dad’s birthday dinner yesterday, so I was granted the opportunity to enjoy spending a little quality time with my parents.40c8c0662f5904301ba15b170abadcad

You probably know that I needed to work from home this weekend and I would have appreciated you allowing me the opportunity to do that, but I guess I can’t expect you to stay away forever since we are apparently bound for all eternity.

If I could ask of you one favor, it would be for you to ease up enough for me to get at least a little sleep tonight and make it to work tomorrow.